“…I pray that the universe

Gives you way more than what you deserve

And when the tears fall like shooting stars, remember who you are

Just look up to the sky you see

I’m coming back for you

Coming back for you…”

~ Fireboy DML

⚠️Content Warning: Grief, Loss, Death - There are references to these topics in the first section. If you’re not in a place to internalize these topics, feel free to skip to the “How’s School?” section.

Girl, What's Been Going On?!

Whew. Right now I am sitting with my Happy Light for the second day trying to figure out how I begin to even answer this question of what's been going on for me since I last checked in. I think the easiest way to explain it is survival mode. I have been in survival mode clinging to the hope of feeling normal again.

In the last issue, I recapped why this is notoriously a hard part of the year for me. And I wish I could say that since then things have gotten better and I'm on the road to feeling 100%, but I can't. Mental health journeys are not linear and I've been on this road for a very long time, so I am acutely aware that even when you do all the "right" things it can take a very long time for your brain to recalibrate. When I'm on the other side of this I'll explain more about dysthymia and prolonged grief disorder, but for now - I'm surviving. I'm protecting myself with therapy, a medication journey, starting light therapy, and being as vulnerable and transparent as I can tolerate right now.

In therapy I've been talking through my grief and I recently had an epiphany where I realized that I'm not only grieving my parents, but I am also grieving for myself and the experiences I did not get to have because I was forced to grow up and mask at an early age. Through our sessions, I learned that I was an anxious little Jasmine at age 5 seeking to be perfect in order to not be a burden and in my little magical thinking, hoping it would make my parents be healthy. Now I am a 35 year old woman who still carries that little girl seeking to be perfect and finding it hard to celebrate my accomplishments because they're what I'm supposed to do. I grieve not only for that little girl, but also for adolescent Jasmine who wasn't able to live freely because she lost both of her parents before turning 25 and had to learn how to take care of herself without the support of family. (Have we all figured out why I'm drawn to pediatric and adolescent health?)

If I'm honest, this therapeutic relationship has been rocking me to my core. My therapist reads me so well and as I am confidently trying to better myself before becoming a mother, the clarity of my past has been shattering. I know when I become a parent, I will be not only parenting my children, but also little Jasmine who didn't get a fair shake at things. She had to experience too much too young. 💔

How's School?!

Honestly, school right now is a struggle. BUT the thing about having anxiety and depression living inside of you is that even when you have literally no motivation, the anxiety of failing will keep you on task, even if it's not your best work. So right now, I'm still in two classes and I'm turning in my assignments on time, but it's taking more time than normal to complete the work and I'm constantly having an internal conversation with myself on how much work I can do before I have to take a break.

One thing worth noting, this past week in a LiveTalk for Fundamental Tools for Promoting Health Equity, our guest lecturer was asked what the focus of and where the field of health equity will be in the next 5 years. She stated that given the current climate of the country, we will be in the trenches fighting for a democracy. She said that if we look at the supreme court decisions, the rise in hate speech and crimes, the voting restrictions and gerrymandering, etc., that we're seeing the beginning of a fight to end democracy as we know it. Her advice was to take a breather now and when it's time - to be ready to strap up our gear and fight for the future we want. And I couldn't agree with her more.

What Are You Doing For Fun?

Fun. Hm. It took me a while to figure out how to answer this question and then I remembered - Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. I actually wouldn't classify the movie as "fun," but I did love it and find immense beauty in the storytelling of a grief journey. (Y'all when I say I've been surrounded by stories of grief, I am not joking at all. ☹️) I could write a full on review about the movie, but I think there are enough think pieces out there without me adding to them. If you haven't seen it, I think you should, if you're mentally in a good space.

Wait, What's Next?

I'll be on a much needed break starting December 21 through the rest of the year. While I will likely have to do some schoolwork for my winter institute class, I do hope that it will allow me to go into the new year feeling more like myself and better in some ways. I can't promise you'll get another issue before the new year. So, I'll take the time now to wish you all a beautiful rest of 2022 and an amazing start of 2023. 🎆

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Until next time, always remember to take up as much space as you need.