⌛️Length Warning: Take your time reading this one.

Girl, What's Been Going On?!

First, thank you all for coming with me on this move to beehiiv. It's really frustrating that the pettiness and childishness of a privileged billionaire is causing so much disruption in the space of social media, subsidiary companies, and just what has become our daily activities. Supposedly he may be stepping down per the poll he created, but honestly the damage is done and I'm not sure if they will be able to come back from it. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Second, I had a planned conversation to discuss some really heavy things, but as I'm listening to the greatest Christmas album ever created - The Temptations "Give Love At Christmas" - there will be no discussion about this, it's fact, and I make the rules here - I decided to keep this light. And the fact that I can keep this light is a testament to the fact that I may be feeling better in a time when I normally feel even worse. 🙏🏾

Recently, Ashlee Wisdom (Founder & CEO of Health In Her Hue) posted to her stories the featured Zora Neale Hurston quote, and shared for her, this was a year of questions. I thanked her for sharing, because I really started to think about my year and whether it was a year that gave me more questions than answers, or vice versa. And because I love y'all, I'm going to share what I came up with.

Coming into 2022, I had a lot of questions. Would I be accepted into either of the schools that I applied to? Am I ready to have children? What will it mean to turn 35 and still not be sure? Am I happy? What will it take for me to be happy? When will I get control again of my life with this pandemic? Am I a good enough friend? Where do I want HEJ to go? What BHAGs do I have for the future? And the list honestly goes on...

Leaving 2022, I have a lot of answers. Really good answers. And because of these answers, I will say that 2022 was a year that answered. I'm going to give you a few of the answers I gained over this year. Here we go---

• If you've been following, you know that I got into both schools I applied to and chose Johns Hopkins University as an Adolescent Health Bloomberg Fellow.

• I am not ready to have children yet, but I am ordering my steps to be a mother in whatever way the universe allows them to come to me. I will be a single mother by choice, and I am happy, calm, settled, and confident in my decision.

• I'm not happy right now, but I am okay with that. As someone who lives with dysthymia, happiness can be elusive, but I'm taking all of the steps to move closer to what feels happy to me. (Honestly, writing this newsletter is part of that. I've always been a writer and pouring into everyone except myself hasn't allowed for me to tap into my creative side. It feels good to use this muscle again.)

• Living with persistent depression and anxiety doesn't make friendship easy. I know this. I have lost friendships in bouts of depression that I really cherished. If you're one of my friends, you know I love hard and protectively. And loss is very hard for me. So I've been working on being a better friend when I have the capacity to be. And more importantly, I've been allowing people to show up for me versus pushing them away. I made my therapist tear up this week when I told her that I was intentionally setting up a calendar to ask people to spend time with me over my break. I'm growing y'all.

• Health Equity Jazz - this little side project that has become one of my proudest accomplishments... the sky is the limit for HEJ. I want to do more podcasts, seek out more collaborations, grow my following, embrace difficult conversations, and make topics of health equity easy and accessible. I'm investing in myself in ways I never thought I would and it feels good.

• I am on the right path for my future - personally and professionally. Public health, health equity, social justice, pediatric and adolescent health... these are my happy space and there is no place I would rather be. This work is where I excel and honestly where I do some of my healing. I have a lot of healing to do, but in this community, in this space, I know that I can do that. I am supported in ways that I never imagined and through tears - I can honestly say that I know my praying parents covered me to be okay in their absence.

• After deciding not to shrink myself anymore in 2020, it has taken a couple of years to understand how pervasive making yourself small can be in many facets of your life. While I have always believed I am a special person, somewhere along the way I allowed myself to become a secondary character in my own life. And I know some of that is a result of grief, being afraid, and finding comfort in not being center stage, but what have I lost over all of these years - me. So in all the small and big ways, I've been finding myself again. Finding little Jasmine as the anxious 5 year old. Finding adolescent Jasmine who always felt out of step. Finding 35 year old Jasmine who wants to make some more core memories and maybe even a little adventure. I deserve the world and I'm leaning into accepting that as fact.

• Big Hairy Audacious Goals - am I allowed to share these and they still come true?

How's School?!

Before I recap 2nd term, I want to share a couple of thoughts and pictures from the Bloomberg American Health Summit.

I am so happy that I didn't let the Mondayest of Mondays prevent me from attending the Bloomberg American Health Summit. It was so affirming to be in a space full of public health professionals who are committed to making this fireball of a world a little bit better. This was shown in the creation of our Declaration of Interdependence. (And no big deal, but your girl was the first person to sign it. An unapologetic Black woman is the first signature of the Declaration of Interdependence - imagine that.)

I spoke earlier of my supports and my community. I think y'all know this about me, but in case you didn't, I'm an only child. And I guess sadly, an orphaned only child now. That's why friendship means so much to me and I will love hard and protectively for the people I allow into my bubble. Making friends and letting people in isn't easy to me for a lot of reasons, but to my surprise, I walked away from the Bloomberg American Health Summit, with the knowledge that I had laid the foundation for what I hope to be great supportive friendships in the future. And honestly, I found my sister in the beautiful, intelligent bad ass Michelle. Our lives have so many parallels that in our first in-person meeting on the train to Philadelphia it felt like we had been in each other's life for years. That's the beauty in friendship that I cherish. So hopefully Michelle doesn't get mad at me for sharing this photo, but yeah - I couldn't recap the summit without sharing that she's stuck with me for life now.

Okay now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, let's talk about 2nd term. The most important thing I will write today - last night I finished my last presentation and officially closed the door on school until January 23. I shared on Instagram that this has been the hardest 8 weeks of my life in recent memory, and that is not hyperbole. I am spent. Exhausted. Tired. Verklempt. All the words. So to have come out on the other side of this term, with what I anticipate to be stellar grades again, feels great. However, it feels amazing to have put myself first and to not take classes during winter institute and to take the full month off. I know it will help me find my footing again and hopefully get this depression back into a more manageable state. So how were classes, you ask? Hmm. I don't want to say that they weren't enjoyable, but when you're in survival mode, there's not much that is enjoyable, right? I'll say this - both classes were foundational classes and in my area of expertise. Y'all know I'm not at the foundational stage of my career. Take from that what you want. 🤷🏾‍♀️

What Are You Doing For Fun?

I can happily answer this question with ease this time! I have been a little busy bee spending time with my loved ones. And the best thing, I don't have any pictures because I've been fully present and consciously choosing to not pick up my phone to document anything. This past weekend I spent time with my Plank and her friends and family at her annual holiday party. It was so much fun eating good food and playing games. I even hosted Family Feud - watch out Steve Harvey, I'm coming for you 😂. Afterwards when I messaged Plank to thank her for the great time, she responded with what was the second update that made my therapist tear up this week - "... you are always a security blanket..." For those who know Plank and know our friendship, you know that she has been the Plank to my Shorty since we were 14 years old. We've had the ups and downs more than once, but at the end of the day are family. This was the first time she shared that she sees me as a security blanket, and y'all I'm honored. I'll be her security blanket any day because she will always be the glue that keeps me together on the hardest days.

Wait, What's Next?

HEJ is officially on vacation until the new year. I will be making some more memories with my chosen family and enjoying a lot of TV. In the new year, I'll let you in on what I decide to be my goals for 2023, my classes for 3rd term, and updates for HEJ merch and all the good things.

I cannot end this long newsletter without thanking you all for helping me grow this year. There are over 60 of you reading this newsletter and I am thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for letting me know what touched you. Thank you for making space for me in your busy schedules. I wish you rest and happiness as we end this rotation around the sun together. I'll see you in 2023. Happy New Year! ♥️

Until next time, always remember to take up as much space as you need.